Wugh I have no idea how to ??? initiate friendships ??? or keep friendships going
I feel just plain uncomfortable and guilty if I have to reach out to somebody else to get their attention? And to be honest, I often don't want/need to-- I'm so content being almost completely alone, I don't need constant re-assurance from close friends or company by my side. I kind of overall prefer the distanced interaction I get from acquaintances-- it never ever feels like an obligation. I like barking into twitter or tumblr and getting a few replies, I prefer that over personal, private connections, most of the time. Private connections feel too 'important'? Consequential...?
For myself the #1 way to make me detach is to say things like "I miss you, we need to talk more" or "why don't you hit me up?". Being asked directly why I'm so quiet or having people point out "it's been ____ many months since we've talked" makes me feel as if everything is an obligation and I'm required to be diligent; it feels like a threat, to me, rather than a plea. This is a little disgusting, I think, because I know the people who say it-- who love me-- say it because of genuine sadness and probably hurt from my absence (which they associate w a lack of caring). But, to be honest, I'd just rather not have friends than have to be so attentive... the idea exhausts me.... for people who require constant feedback, I'm NO GOOD. I am NNNNO GOOOOOD FOR U. I know this like by definition makes me a 'bad friend', but I don't even feel that way, I feel pretty confident that this is just THE WAY I AM.
In turn tho the idea of reaching out to others makes me feel guilty because I do not ever want somebody else to feel the sort of dread I feel when I deal with this stuff. If people lose contact with me, stop responding, or unfollow/whatev, I do not, WILL NOT, ever step up to them and ask 'why'... I know some people pull that shit as a 'test' to see if you'll reach back to them and 'prove that you care', but that concept is so gross to me that I will stubbornly not reach out whatsoever. On top of just plain feeling uncomfortable.
My ideal friendships are the sort where I can disappear for a week or two at a time and perhaps only get a little 'yo you alive?' note. I appreciate when I have the freedom to vanish for months, and can return as though no time has passed. I guess I just... don't want punishment.. or consequence.... I wish my carelessness didn't HURT people sometimes. Though I can say, this happens fairly rarely at this point, most people know the way I am now. I feel bad tho bc the friends who do pine for me to talk to them more are in turn making me distant/afraid of them; when all they are trying to do is reach out to me. It's all conflicting. Like on one side im stubborn and shitty and don't care, on the other I feel like a failure & v sad for the trouble I cause by getting involved with people.
The fact is that if I'm not satisfying somebody, if im no good for them and make them feel self-conscious and unloved, then probably we shouldn't be friends anyhow, and letting it die is better than forcing myself thru hoops? This is the indifference I wind up at
aT LEAST I'M HONEST ABOUT THIS ?? is that maybe the 'good thing' here? I definitely don't pretend, I'm up-front about how distant and weird I am with friendships when people talk to me about it. I don't hide this. This is me.
I mean as far as INITIATING a friendship goes like.. I rarely ever feel the pull to do it.. and am almost never in a position where I make the first move.. haha but when I AM, just, frick. Frick. I feel so fricking out of place and realize just how bork'd of a person I am. I panic over every punctuation and emoticon and just.. guh. How does anybody do this shit regularly it destroys me