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12 August 2013 @ 04:23 pm
tuff day, I'm really frustrated by how my thought process works and how I respond/react to others. I have a  very hard time NOT making everything All About Me, every time I see the word 'I' I feel the weight of it piling on as it's, again, my response to someone telling me something about them or their life like I just talk about myself in retaliation, it's near impossible for me to contribute a conversation without making it about myself!!! I have no idea how I have friends or how people enjoy conversations with me, honestly. I don't contribute very much otherwise, I'm surprised people seek conversation with me. I kind of don't know if this is somethign I should 'work on' and 'fix' about myself, or if it's an OK way to be? I... don't know if it CAN be fixed? it's very much how my thought process works, I can't hold back the thoughts, though I suppose I could be more conscious of it in conversation and control what comes out of me better. But I don't know if I SHOULD be more conscious of it, and thus get more anxious/depressed/upset at myself for doing it, or if I should let it be how it is and accept it... I don't know how detrimental a thing this is considered. Or how damaging. Like is it bad to be this way, or is it just another way to be a person? I guess it would vary....

guh making LJ entries helps me when I feel like this at least CUZ LIKE 3 PPL READ THEM IF THATSO IT LETS ME TALK ABT MYSELF IN AN ENVIRONMENT WHERE UUH i dont feel SO self-concious about doing it. i'm so aware of my every freakin action when im talking to others.

off topic its so hilarious that I constantly wake up confused about the godzilla poster on the door, how comical, it happens all the time when im out of it and WHY?? I DONT KNOW, I also hallucinate it shifting/changing and being different things, very clearly not godzilla, and I just look at it like 'god, what is that, what is it actually, i know i know what it is somewhere in my mind wtf'. why of all things, that? I have never had such a specific, consistent thing befuddle me so, and it has been on the door for sooooo many months. I hallucinate reasonably often when sleepy but... godzilla poster.
10 June 2013 @ 02:11 pm
Wugh I have no idea how to ??? initiate friendships ??? or keep friendships going

I feel just plain uncomfortable and guilty if I have to reach out to somebody else to get their attention? And to be honest, I often don't want/need to-- I'm so content being almost completely alone, I don't need constant re-assurance from close friends or company by my side. I kind of overall prefer the distanced interaction I get from acquaintances-- it never ever feels like an obligation. I like barking into twitter or tumblr and getting a few replies, I prefer that over personal, private connections, most of the time. Private connections feel too 'important'? Consequential...?

For myself the #1 way to make me detach is to say things like "I miss you, we need to talk more" or "why don't you hit me up?". Being asked directly why I'm so quiet or having people point out "it's been ____ many months since we've talked" makes me feel as if everything is an obligation and I'm required to be diligent; it feels like a threat, to me, rather than a plea. This is a little disgusting, I think, because I know the people who say it-- who love me-- say it because of genuine sadness and probably hurt from my absence (which they associate w a lack of caring). But, to be honest, I'd just rather not have friends than have to be so attentive... the idea exhausts me.... for people who require constant feedback, I'm NO GOOD. I am NNNNO GOOOOOD FOR U. I know this like by definition makes me a 'bad friend', but I don't even feel that way, I feel pretty confident that this is just THE WAY I AM.
In turn tho the idea of reaching out to others makes me feel guilty because I do not ever want somebody else to feel the sort of dread I feel when I deal with this stuff. If people lose contact with me, stop responding, or unfollow/whatev, I do not, WILL NOT, ever step up to them and ask 'why'... I know some people pull that shit as a 'test' to see if you'll reach back to them and 'prove that you care', but that concept is so gross to me that I will stubbornly not reach out whatsoever. On top of just plain feeling uncomfortable.

My ideal friendships are the sort where I can disappear for a week or two at a time and perhaps only get a little 'yo you alive?' note. I appreciate when I have the freedom to vanish for months, and can return as though no time has passed. I guess I just... don't want punishment.. or consequence.... I wish my carelessness didn't HURT people sometimes. Though I can say, this happens fairly rarely at this point, most people know the way I am now. I feel bad tho bc the friends who do pine for me to talk to them more are in turn making me distant/afraid of them; when all they are trying to do is reach out to me. It's all conflicting. Like on one side im stubborn and shitty and don't care, on the other I feel like a failure & v sad for the trouble I cause by getting involved with people.
The fact is that if I'm not satisfying somebody, if im no good for them and make them feel self-conscious and unloved, then probably we shouldn't be friends anyhow, and letting it die is better than forcing myself thru hoops? This is the indifference I wind up at

aT LEAST I'M HONEST ABOUT THIS ?? is that maybe the 'good thing' here? I definitely don't pretend, I'm up-front about how distant and weird I am with friendships when people talk to me about it. I don't hide this. This is me.

I mean as far as INITIATING a friendship goes like.. I rarely ever feel the pull to do it.. and am almost never in a position where I make the first move.. haha but when I AM, just, frick. Frick. I feel so fricking out of place and realize just how bork'd of a person I am. I panic over every punctuation and emoticon and just.. guh. How does anybody do this shit regularly it destroys me
07 May 2013 @ 06:35 am
people on tumblr complain about losing followers a lot....! I don't understand this at all....

getting blocked or unfollowed is really the best thing a person who dislikes you can do for you. Maybe not even dislike, maybe just feels inexplicably uncomfortable or annoyed or indifferent to you. You don't want people like that around you anyway! In an ideal world everyone reading your words would be someone who cares about you. I don't want anybody to feel as if the obligation to stick by me is more important then their own comfort... you should never feel tied to a person! People who make you feel like leaving them would mean you are a cold-hearted devil are possibly a detriment to your person??

I've had a person be hella flabberghasted and pissy towards me after I told them I block people often & freely on my tumblr. I don't get that ??? I don't understand! Blocking folks is like a forced mutual unfollow. That's chill yo. I hope people who can't deal with me block me so I don't leak into their space and unintentionally make them feel awful. You gotta accept that some people will only perceive you on a shallow level, and that actually isn't wrong. It's just being a person. To most, you are inconsequential!

I've gotten weird perspective on this all from... going to cons more regularly ????? it's funny how my art is my whole life, but to somebody else it is just 'oh, right, gingerbeer, you're that dragon-thing right?' yes, im that dragon thing. To that person im literally just some random FA user who draws this vaguely-known dragonthing they can't even accurately picture. If this interaction goes poorly or I'm distracted, they might completely shut off the possibility of ever talking to me again. One conversation with a dude at a con will legit be how they define me. I don't think this person's one-off description of me is less valid or real than my closest friend's view of me, either. It's all interesting! It's all a real reflection of me.

This is strangely refreshing for me? I really really greatly enjoy being worth so little, I guess, being so inconsequential to the vast majority. The more I feel like a small part of everything, the better I feel about my place and what I'm doing.

I've been doing a lil better with my depression lately, tho I know it'll always swish in and out. I feel like for some thoughts of being largely worthless would be a detriment, but I can't overstate just how much of a comfort it is to me. It calms me down a lot to think of how small I am. If I were any bigger I would be anxious and scared of everything. I ah, I prefer casual friendships where it's OK if I disappear from contact for a few weeks or months. I don't want to be so integral to a bunch of people's lives that I couldn't vanish without a word. I appreciate so much that most of the people around me know how I can be so flighty and don't hold it against me. I just need my space, yo. I need to -not- feel obligated to sign into skype and say hello and make sure I say goodbye when I leave.

at this point in time I only feel really 'grounded' to like... 3 people. And that is so perfect for me!! My girlfriend, my online best friend, & my IRL best friend.
I know that last year & the years before that I was much more 'social' and outgoing, with a WHOLE LOT more tight friendships, but I wouldn't want that back. I don't think what was good for me then is good for me right now. I kept seeing myself as 'going backwards in progress', since I lost so many of my extroverted habits over the past few years, but eeeeh I think it's just changing, not really improving or backpeddling. My needs are different rn.
07 May 2013 @ 06:04 am
I made myself a bunch of danny phantom icons

yessss its 2006 again
24 September 2012 @ 05:10 pm

Updates! Well... Earl had to get surgery to have a tumor removed. It was a really nerve-wracking time, because surgery for rats is always a little scary. They are so small. There are so many risks. Thankfully she's pulled through just fine, and we got a lot of photos of her journey!

something NOT shown here: how perfect she is at the vet's and how much she loves all of the vets and nurses. When we picked her up, the lady handing her to us said everybody loved her. The vet will be trying to check her heart, Earl already climbing up his body to sit on his shoulder. She makes everybody smile! I'm really glad too. Even while at the vet's office waiting to be taken in, she was laying there (her carrier open) bruxing and loving being pet. I'm so happy this wasn't too stressful for her. The only moments she was upset were when her rat-morphine was wearing off right before the next dose. And trying to administer the rat-morphine. She did not like that one bit. But as soon as we gave it to her she'd perk up 200% and be all over the place.

tons of tons of photos under the cutCollapse )
15 November 2011 @ 08:41 am
What would you do if you had a million dollars?

06 October 2011 @ 06:10 am
SO I DREW THESE SHITTY SKETCHES and here is information about Elliot, my lady who was invented as a pair to Rio's werewolf woman, Lawrence.

continually adding more to this as I work her out more. I need something for Rio and I to reference as she writes. I'm terrible on her about how she characterizes Elliot, which must be JUST SO or it ain't gonna fly.

wow I gotta actually do pics of her a like one of these days. OH WELL, these are reasonably adequate and accurate to her.

Elliot. 27. Animal Control Officer (deals with cases of neglect and abuse, as well as wild animals that disturb the city or town)

more details on her personality/life/historyCollapse )
feelin': boredbored
24 September 2011 @ 08:15 am
I had a series of very disturbing, upsetting dreams this night just now... I feel like typing them up before I forget them... god I feel so horrible. I hope this fades.

very long exposition. Typing it up for my sake.Collapse )
feelin': scaredscared
12 September 2011 @ 09:21 am
What do dilemma

Okay, so I used to charge $20 for my sketch pages back when I didn't know they'd take me hours to complete.

I have a few that have already been paid for that I have to finish; most are already started and since they've been paid, I'll gladly finish them up.

BUT, there are some people who had slots with me-- I'd taken down their refs and talked with them, solidifying a spot-- but they never paid me, or were made to pay me.

It feels like a dick move to go to these people and say "hey, the price of pages has changed. Do you want to keep your slot and pay $40 or drop it?) but I really, really don't want to do more pages for $20. I hella don't want to. Is it my responsibility to suck it up and do what was promised (even if no money moved between hands) or do I have every right to take away spots from people? It's just so rude-sounding.

I was thinking perhaps I could give these people a slight discount that still gave me a reasonable price- maybe $35 for them? But it still sucks thinking I'll have to do another 5 pages at a price I don't completely agree with it. Curse me and my politeness but also desire for money!

can I hear some input? What would you do in this situation?
10 September 2011 @ 07:23 am
working out all of the kinks in my prices... I'm tired of doing intense amounts of work for less then $20. I need to stop trying to be the nice guy to everyone else and treat myself more fairly. As much as I love being the affordable option that a lot of people look forward to being able to commission, I just can't abuse myself for other's. I gotta be fair to me, a little.

a WARNING-- at the bottom of this page are some porn and fetish pieces, since I do those. Nothing that I'd consider extremely graphic, but still.

examples and current price ideasCollapse )

What do you think? These sound reasonable/fair? Any that stand out as being horribly under or over-priced?